Emotional Vampires By Albert J. Bernstein

My Notes

Emotional vampires never grow up. Throughout their lives, they see themselves as victims of fate and the unpredictability of others. Stuff happens, and they just respond to it. As a result, they have no opportunity to learn from their mistakes, and they just keep on making the same ones over and over.

emotional vampires never grow up. Throughout their lives, they see themselves as victims of fate and the unpredictability of others.

what you get is equal to what you put in. Adults understand that the more you give, the more you get. Vampires take.

early trauma, or the long-term deleterious effects of growing up in a dysfunctional family.

forget the theories; they will hurt you more than help you in your quest to understand vampires. There are two reasons for this. First, understanding where a problem comes from is not the same as solving it. Second, emotional vampires already see themselves as the innocent victims of forces beyond their control. If

forget the theories; they will hurt you more than help you in your quest to understand vampires. There are two reasons for this. First, understanding where a problem comes from is not the same as solving it. Second, emotional vampires already see themselves as the innocent victims of forces beyond their control.

the most successful strategies for dealing with emotional vampires are precisely the same ones you’d use on young children—setting limits, arranging contingencies, being consistent, keeping lectures to a bare minimum, rewarding good behavior and ignoring bad, and occasionally putting them in time-out.

the most dangerous mistake you can make is believing that underneath it all, vampires are really regular people, just like you. If you interpret what they say and do according to what you would feel if you said or did the same thing, you’ll be wrong most every time. And you’ll end up drained dry.

if your needs coincide with theirs, emotional vampires can be hard workers, caring companions, and all-around good company. That’s why most of the annoying people in this book seem relatively normal most of the time. Everything changes when your needs come in conflict with theirs. That’s when the fangs come out.

emotional vampires will use you to meet whatever needs they happen to be experiencing at the moment. They have no qualms about taking your effort, your money, your love, your attention, your admiration, your body, or your soul to meet their insatiable cravings. They want what they want, and they don’t much care how you feel about it.

emotional vampires can turn themselves into whatever you want to see, but only long enough to lure you in. To say that they are consummate actors doesn’t do them justice. Often, they play their roles so well that they fool themselves into believing that they are who they pretend to be.

not only are vampires confused about their own identities, they can confuse you about yours as well. If you get too closely involved with them, you’ll hardly know yourself.

emotional vampires have no insight. Vampires can learn about themselves and make real changes, but it takes years of hard work. It absolutely never happens in a single moment of blinding realization. If you believe you see a sudden

a vampire’s bite can turn you into a vampire throughout the ages, vampirism has been contagious. A few bites and vampires can have you acting just as immaturely as they do.

they start with a killer first impression. Somehow, they look a little better than other people—more talented, more interesting, more competent, more caring, more glamorous, or just more fun. Then, they’re easy to talk to. They seem to understand you right away, to know what you want. Even when you suspect smoke and mirrors, you almost believe that what you think you see is what you’ll actually get.

deviating from standard procedure bill’s first clue that something was amiss should have been the fact that he wasn’t following his typical job interview pattern.

if you ever find yourself veering sharply from your usual way of doing things, especially in response to a person you don’t know very well, stop right then and ask yourself why. Listen very closely to your answer.

bill felt that jason understood him immediately, but the feeling wasn’t exactly accurate. What jason understood was that bill wanted someone to see him in the same way bill saw stephen covey. Jason was just giving bill what he wanted,

getting to know and appreciate another person usually involves time and effort. Be careful when rapport seems to be developing too quickly, no matter how good the process feels. Instant understanding is usually the result of someone recognizing how you would really like to be seen and pretending to see you that way.

your two most important sources of objective information about another person are the details of that person’s history and the opinions of other people.

forget about trying to convince emotional vampires that they weren’t playing straight with you. They’ll laugh and recite back your conversations chapter and verse to show that they made no promises or, if they did, how it was somebody else’s fault that they broke them. Even with a good lawyer, it’s usually not possible to get back what vampires have taken from you. Don’t even try. Just don’t let them take any more. “jason,

forget about trying to convince emotional vampires that they weren’t playing straight with you. They’ll laugh and recite back your conversations chapter and verse to show that they made no promises or, if they did, how it was somebody else’s fault that they broke them. Even with a good lawyer, it’s usually not possible to get back what vampires have taken from you. Don’t even try. Just don’t let them take any more.

when emotional vampires get caught, they start throwing out alternate realities faster than the sci-fi channel. What should you remember in a situation like this? Two words: objective data. Rip open the curtains and let the daylight in.

if a deal seems too good to be true, it is. Patterns repeat. The best predictor of what a person will do in the future is what he or she has done in the past.

if a deal seems too good to be true, it is. Patterns repeat. The best predictor of what a person will do in the future is what he or she has done in the past. Always check references. Never

if a deal seems too good to be true, it is. Patterns repeat. The best predictor of what a person will do in the future is what he or she has done in the past. Always check references. Never bend rules on the spur of the moment.

a deal seems too good to be true, it is. Patterns repeat. The best predictor of what a person will do in the future is what he or she has done in the past.

antisocials are often damnably attractive, and a hell of a lot of fun. Imagine taking a regular person, doubling the energy level, tripling the love of excitement, then switching off the circuitry for worry.

give them what they want, they’re cheerful. Frustrate them, they throw a tantrum. Put them in a boring situation, they stir up a fuss. They truly believe that their actions are caused by what you

give them what they want, they’re cheerful. Frustrate them, they throw a tantrum. Put them in a boring situation, they stir up a fuss. They truly believe that their actions are caused by what you do. This belief frees them from responsibility and guilt, but it also robs them of the perception of control over their own lives—a view that is one of the essentials for mental health.

despite their faults, antisocial vampires are lovable. You’d think that such predatory people would be hated and shunned, but that is far from the case.

vampires make their emotional living by using other people. To survive, they have to be very good at convincing you that they have exactly what you want. They do have what you want, but seldom for as long as you want it.

antisocials usually need somebody to take care of them, clean up after them, and get them back on track. They will offer the world for these services, and pay nothing. Codependents don’t even get gratitude. Still,

antisocials usually need somebody to take care of them, clean up after them, and get them back on track. They will offer the world for these services, and pay nothing. Codependents don’t even get gratitude.

vampires prey on people by becoming a part of their lives and influencing them to make one questionable decision after another.

vampires prey on people by becoming a part of their lives and influencing them to make one questionable decision after another. Nowhere are the mechanics of this process more visible than

vampires prey on people by becoming a part of their lives and influencing them to make one questionable decision after another. Nowhere are the mechanics of this process more visible than in a romantic relationship.

women in love like to increase intimacy by sharing their thoughts and fantasies. Men have a hard time understanding why anyone would talk about something without actually wanting to do

women in love like to increase intimacy by sharing their thoughts and fantasies. Men have a hard time understanding why anyone would talk about something without actually wanting to do it.

when vampires don’t get their way, they’re pretty quick to throw tantrums. In the case of daredevils, the tantrums often involve just walking away. If their designated playmate isn’t enough fun, they’re less likely to yell about it than they are to drift off in the direction of someone else.

the prospect of imminent loss makes anything seem more valuable. People may find themselves unconsciously working very hard to keep the vampires in their lives satisfied, even when they know them to be a bad influence.

the best predictor of what people will do in the future is what they have done in the past.

the number one way that daredevils drain other people emotionally is not really the poor vampires’ fault at all. Their victims drive themselves crazy trying to get daredevils to keep their charm, and be more reliable at the same time.

daredevils also make some of the world’s best salespeople. They are motivated by challenge, they don’t get deflated by being told no, and their innate charm makes customers like and trust them. Unlike used car salesmen, who may sell more in the short run by using out-and-out deception, daredevils keep their customers coming back for more.

give vampires full credit for doing what you ask them to do, even if they’re only doing it to get you off their case. This rule works the other way around as well. Give credit only for performance, never for excuses or explanations. This is especially important when you’d rather believe the excuses.

speaking of adolescents, the daredevil’s favorite prey are people who have some doubts about how cool they are, the kinds of people who are especially sensitive to dares.

there’s a daredevil in your life, make sure you recognize the warning signs of hypnosis: instant rapport, deviating from standard procedure, thinking in superlatives, discounting objective information, and confusion.

if there’s a daredevil in your life, make sure you recognize the warning signs of hypnosis: instant rapport, deviating from standard procedure, thinking in superlatives, discounting objective information, and confusion.

under the influence of alcohol or drugs, they can become a real menace. They’ll do absolutely anything, and they seldom have even the vaguest notion about when to stop. If you are going to draw any lines in the sand with a daredevil, they should be around substance abuse.

never believe that making daredevils, or any antisocials, feel guilty will have any sort of positive effect.

never believe that making daredevils, or any antisocials, feel guilty will have any sort of positive effect. They are who they are and are not ashamed of it. Neither will you be able to “teach them a lesson” by doing the same thing to them that they do to you.

don’t threaten firing or leaving the relationship unless you’re absolutely sure that’s what you want to do. If you aren’t,

don’t threaten firing or leaving the relationship unless you’re absolutely sure that’s what you want to do. If you aren’t, daredevils will surely push you to see how far you’ll go. Brinkmanship is the daredevil’s all-time favorite game.

the only way daredevils ever learn anything is by facing the natural consequences of their actions.

the only way daredevils ever learn anything is by facing the natural consequences of their actions. Never stand in the way of consequences, no matter how good the excuse. You’ll only be providing advanced training in how to get around the rules.

if you want antisocials to do something, ask directly and let them know what you’ll do if they don’t.

you want antisocials to do something, ask directly and let them know what you’ll do if they don’t.

if you want antisocials to do something, ask directly and let them know what you’ll do if they don’t. Never bluff; they’re way better at it than you are. Ditto deception of any kind. They’ll see through it immediately.

when daredevils get bored, the situation is more ominous, because you know they really will leave. Any attempt to hold on will push them away even further.

it is not so much that they get off on lying for its own sake; it’s more that they want the things they want so much that they don’t mind lying to get them.

used car salesmen have the terrifying ability to imitate human warmth without feeling anything but desire for something you have. If you think that the worst they can do is trick you into paying a lot of money for a piece of junk, you may be in serious danger.

used car salesmen would have you believe that because they gave you something, you owe them something back. In their view, compliments are like the free samples those motherly types hand out in grocery stores. The purpose is not to nourish you, but to get you to

used car salesmen would have you believe that because they gave you something, you owe them something back. In their view, compliments are like the free samples those motherly types hand out in grocery stores. The purpose is not to nourish you, but to get you to buy.

vampires know that anything scarce takes on a value far beyond its intrinsic worth. Call it the beanie baby effect.

when you say no to them, they may stop bothering you, but you will no longer be a part of their inner circle. The promotions will stop. Don’t think for a minute that these vampires will respect you for standing up to them, or reward you for virtue. The best deal you can get is being left alone.

used car salesmen typically don’t actively retaliate against people who say no, but they do toss people aside when they can’t use them any more.

the most important concerns to talk over with someone you trust are the ones you’d rather not talk about. The worst danger comes from keeping your fears in darkness because they don’t show you in a good light.

pay attention to actions, not words

the most common battle you have to fight with used car salesman is the one to avoid being cheated. The most important battle is the one to keep them from compromising your values. The battle you’ll seldom win is to show the world what big liars they are.

the most common battle you have to fight with used car salesman is the one to avoid being cheated. The most important battle is the one to keep them from compromising your values. The battle you’ll seldom win is to show the world what big liars they are. The one you’ll never win is showing them anything.

bullies don’t know that anger is something they’re doing; they think it’s being done to them. They think that they’re just trying to go about their business, when some idiot does something stupid that messes up their day.

bullies say that they’re not looking for an altercation; it’s just that they can’t allow other people to push them around.

if you look at bullies’ lives, you’ll see that time and again, they go out of their way to get into fights. Many of them abuse substances, which lower their threshold for anger.

bullies are fighting to achieve an altered state of consciousness, rather than to get you to do anything in particular.

bullies will be equally happy if you fight back, run away, or cringe in fear. The way to win is to do something unexpected that will jolt bullies out of their familiar,

bullies will be equally happy if you fight back, run away, or cringe in fear. The way to win is to do something unexpected that will jolt bullies out of their familiar, primitive pattern and make them think about what’s going on. They hate that, because it spoils their high.

my grandfather used to say, “if three people call you a horse, buy a saddle. ”

learn to endure boredom. This is essential. If you can’t stand the long stretches of boredom that come with being a responsible adult, you’ll never be one. Don’t believe for a minute that shifting your addiction to a more socially acceptable form of excitement will change anything. Addicts usually go back to their drug of choice.

laboriously consider the effects of your actions. Recognize that you don’t live in a vacuum. Every time you break a rule, it hurts someone else. If you can’t figure out how, sit there until you

laboriously consider the effects of your actions. Recognize that you don’t live in a vacuum. Every time you break a rule, it hurts someone else. If you can’t figure out how, sit there until you can.

avoid name-calling or raising your voice. Think of it as the duct-tape solution to temper problems. Until you learn to express your anger in a constructive way, don’t express it at

avoid name-calling or raising your voice. Think of it as the duct-tape solution to temper problems. Until you learn to express your anger in a constructive way, don’t express it at all.

keep promises. Don’t make any promises to anyone unless you’re absolutely sure you can keep them.

histrionic means dramatic; what you see is all a show, and definitely not what you get.

histrionics are always acting. Mostly, they try to do cheerful sitcoms, but the performance can change before your eyes into a sordid, overacted soap opera with you as a part of the cast. Or a medical drama. Or a seamy talk show. Or even professional wrestling.

the three elements of psychological health—sense of control, connection to something larger than oneself, and pursuit of challenge—histrionics

the three elements of psychological health—sense of control, connection to something larger than oneself, and pursuit of challenge—histrionics are all over the map.

when it comes to the three elements of psychological health—sense of control, connection to something larger than oneself, and pursuit of challenge—histrionics are all over the map.

the attention that seductive vampire hams crave is from everyone with whom they are competing for attention, and beating hands down.

histrionic vampires offer a devious and dirty deal. Here they are, attractive, exciting, and needy.

histrionic vampires offer a devious and dirty deal. Here they are, attractive, exciting, and needy. It’s easy to imagine that if you take care of a few trifling details for them, they will be sooo grateful that they will continue to shower you with attention and love. You might even believe you can pick up a relationship with a really attractive person at a bargain price, just by being a little nicer than all those other meanies.

with histrionics, the play’s the thing, and you can’t not play. Sometimes it’s easy to see that you’re being manipulated, but devilishly difficult to figure out what to do about it. Theater is the secret of histrionic power and vulnerability. If you have to deal with a ham-it-up histrionic, your best defense is to write a role for yourself that keeps you at a safe distance. The only way to fight show business is with more show business. Writing

with histrionics, the play’s the thing, and you can’t not play. Sometimes it’s easy to see that you’re being manipulated, but devilishly difficult to figure out what to do about it. Theater is the secret of histrionic power and vulnerability. If you have to deal with a ham-it-up histrionic, your best defense is to write a role for yourself that keeps you at a safe distance. The only way to fight show business is with more show business.

your best defense is to write a role for yourself that keeps you at a safe distance. The only way to fight show business is with more show business.

the closer you get to ham-it-up histrionics, the more dangerous they are. If you become their main audience, you’ll discover that the price for their performances is extremely high—your complete attention, and taking care of their every need. If you let them down even slightly, the script will shift from light comedy to horror.

on the job, the simplest way to protect yourself is to play the role of a boring person who is all work and no fun.

burned-out ham-it-up vampires can change their life scripts to medical dramas when they discover how much attention they get for being sick. You can bet that their maladies will be as draining to you as they are to them.

be boring. Be consistent. Plan ahead. Let the facts rather than your emotions determine your response. Learn to keep your mind open and your mouth shut.

always remember that the battle to win with ham-it-up vampires is the one to avoid being cast as the person whose emotions are drained. They can drain you by wearing you out with their endless dependency or, just as surely, by making you angry at them.

be as clear as possible about the exact behaviors you want to see, and structure all contingencies so that vampire hams get more attention for doing things right than they do for doing them wrong.

this one is simple. If you want to get anywhere with ham-it-up histrionics, use praise and flattery in sugared doses that would put a normal person into diabetic coma. Regular praise for even the smallest of accomplishments is the only thing that keeps ham-it-up histrionics anywhere near copacetic.

tears, however, are the histrionic’s specialty. For a civilized human being, another person’s pain requires action. It is almost impossible to watch others cry and do nothing to make them feel better—even when you know they’re using tears to get around the rules.

to handle manipulative crying, use an old therapist’s trick. Don’t let the tears or the reason they’re falling become the subject for discussion. When vampires cry, hand them a tissue and go on with whatever you were talking about.

tell passive-aggressives in explicit detail what it takes to please you and praise them profusely when they do it. The strategy is simple and almost foolproof, but it is seldom employed. It’s hard to

tell passive-aggressives in explicit detail what it takes to please you and praise them profusely when they do it. The strategy is simple and almost foolproof, but it is seldom employed.

dealing effectively with passive-aggressive vampires is often a matter of semantics. Your words must reflect an understanding of their view of the world, rather than demanding that they accept yours. These

dealing effectively with passive-aggressive vampires is often a matter of semantics. Your words must reflect an understanding of their view of the world, rather than demanding that they accept yours.

the most important goal for histrionics is to learn to take care of themselves rather than using their charm, devotion, or neediness to get other people to take care of them. They should also work on recognizing and expressing their negative emotions consciously. This usually requires the help of a professional.

let your thoughts be your guide. First, learn to recognize the difference between what you think and what you feel. Try to make more choices based on thinking.

do things for yourself and by yourself. Try it. You may come to like your own company.

ask for what you want. Everybody takes; it’s a law of nature that no amount of good intentions can repeal. It’s far better to be aware of what you want and ask other people to give it to you. It’s not selfish if you say please and thank you.

openly disagree with somebody every day. Say it nicely, but say it.

banish the phrase i don’t know from your vocabulary. Try not to space out when people ask you tough questions. The things you need most to think about are always the ones that are most difficult.